just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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