I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
