i would punch a child for taco bell
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
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