Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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