Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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