you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants