he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.