I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's