My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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