I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
