Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
not ubering you a puppy
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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