can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
