we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
