So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
