u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
