so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
