We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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