How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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