As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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