What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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