i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
