I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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