I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
