Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
