At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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