He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
