i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
