I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
