she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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