I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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