I think I won the penis lottery.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
