that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
