The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
