This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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