just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
