As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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