one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
