Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
