I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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