my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
