I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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