Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
