Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
