Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
two words...techno handjob
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
