Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
