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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
