i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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