I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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