I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
