hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
