Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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