I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
