Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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