my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
