In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
