i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
