oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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