I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
