I will die if light touches me.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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