i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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