it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We got so high we made milksteak
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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