what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
