Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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