Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
